I indulged tonight. I'm leaving my old life behind.
No more excuses.
I'm ready to get back to my "new" old self.
I have to keep in perspective that I'm not only getting healthy for myself, but also for my kids, husband, and the community I serve.
Yeah. Everyone wins.
Rantings of a boring person.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Quantity or Quality.
Do you weight yourself daily?
I do. I find it's a great motivator to remember to get to the gym. As far as the weight, I'm not too worried.
I was once told one pound of fat is like two/three pounds of muscle.
When I set up my fitness pal, I put that I wanted to weigh 140. Really, I want to be a size 6.
What do you think? Weigh? Or measure? Even if it's only used for motivational purposes?
I do. I find it's a great motivator to remember to get to the gym. As far as the weight, I'm not too worried.
I was once told one pound of fat is like two/three pounds of muscle.
When I set up my fitness pal, I put that I wanted to weigh 140. Really, I want to be a size 6.
What do you think? Weigh? Or measure? Even if it's only used for motivational purposes?
Last night was weird
Well, I was so exhausted from work yesterday, I feel asleep as soon as I got home.
OK. Who am I kidding I feel asleep a little on the ride home. I'm getting that same symptoms I got before when I was sick. I have this chest pain, almost like some is sitting on me and I'm trying to breathe the best I can. I have a lump in the back of my throat. My whole neck is sore to the touch especially in the front.
Last night was the worst. I'm been having trouble sleeping again. (Yes, I have been using NyQuil to sleep.) Last night really scared me. Every time I went to lay down. I was having a very hard time breathing. Almost a feeling of drowning. My body would get a rush like survival mode, and my arm and legs would kick and fly into the air. I couldn't find any piece last night. I went for the restless limb, to the overwhelming feeling I have to use the bathroom, extreme hunger.
I don't know what this is. but I can say it's not normal. I didn't have any caffeine or Sugar. My mind was telling me to sleep, but my body was up all night wanting to pace around the room. I hate this.
Also, my cough is back. I just want to be normal again.
“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” George Bernard Shaw
OK. Who am I kidding I feel asleep a little on the ride home. I'm getting that same symptoms I got before when I was sick. I have this chest pain, almost like some is sitting on me and I'm trying to breathe the best I can. I have a lump in the back of my throat. My whole neck is sore to the touch especially in the front.
Last night was the worst. I'm been having trouble sleeping again. (Yes, I have been using NyQuil to sleep.) Last night really scared me. Every time I went to lay down. I was having a very hard time breathing. Almost a feeling of drowning. My body would get a rush like survival mode, and my arm and legs would kick and fly into the air. I couldn't find any piece last night. I went for the restless limb, to the overwhelming feeling I have to use the bathroom, extreme hunger.
I don't know what this is. but I can say it's not normal. I didn't have any caffeine or Sugar. My mind was telling me to sleep, but my body was up all night wanting to pace around the room. I hate this.
Also, my cough is back. I just want to be normal again.
“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” George Bernard Shaw
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Looking forward
I'm actually looking forward to 2012. It maybe my last year on Earth. Well, that if you believe the Mayan predictions.
I'm starting this year off with being cleared as a member of my home fire station. I'm going for the EMS top ten responders.
Training
Although I would love to return to roller derby those chicks are a bunch of spoiled bitches. Well ok. About two of them are. Yes, you. You know who you are. (now, check my twitter and Facebook and see who broke contact with me.) I'll be training again. Tomorrow All my logs will start again.
School: I'm going to finally finish my paramedic. This time next year I'll be finishing up my classes. Then in May ill be doing my ride alongside and my practicals.
The kids: are great. We want one more. Hopefully, we can be blessed with one more.
What could ever make 2012 the best is how I handle thing?
T minus: One hour and 14 mins to find out my newest adventures.
I'm starting this year off with being cleared as a member of my home fire station. I'm going for the EMS top ten responders.
Training
Although I would love to return to roller derby those chicks are a bunch of spoiled bitches. Well ok. About two of them are. Yes, you. You know who you are. (now, check my twitter and Facebook and see who broke contact with me.) I'll be training again. Tomorrow All my logs will start again.
School: I'm going to finally finish my paramedic. This time next year I'll be finishing up my classes. Then in May ill be doing my ride alongside and my practicals.
The kids: are great. We want one more. Hopefully, we can be blessed with one more.
What could ever make 2012 the best is how I handle thing?
T minus: One hour and 14 mins to find out my newest adventures.
Dedication to Firefighters and EMTs
This Is what I do 24/7/365. Without even blinking or doubting what the outcome may be....
“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” George Bernard Shaw
Secret. Secret. I got a secret.
I survive with PTSD. Its PTSD from when I was a child. My parents were ok. Don't get me wrong. Not everyone's family is like the Cleavers.
Dad was military. So I don't really remember much of him growing up. The occasional family outing, but nothing much outside of that. My mother did the best she could. She stayed home with us until I was four. I remember being over the neighbor's house a lot.
My family didn't cuddle. No cuddling, no outwardly signs of affection. I was was taught affection was a weakness. Empathy is what makes a person.
Must like what is happening with Penn State, the truth ALWAYS COMES OUT.
When I was nine years old, I told my dad the horrors I endured in his absence. Why I was running away from my "aunt," and the beating we took "if we looked at her the wrong way." he was enraged and it was the first time I had ever seen my father mad. He confronted EVERYONE involved. I told my mother about the inappropriate touching from my "aunt's" friends. She was in disbelief.
They both decided to make us latch-key kids at the ages of 7 & 10 years old. Yes, she told all the neighbors we were home, and to keep an eye for us.
Believe me, little old ladies are brutal when tattling on you.
I have blocked out most of my childhood. I ask questions about my past very sparingly. Afraid I might uncover what my brain is so admittedly trying to shield me from.
I was a rape victim not once, but three times. I was so numb. I didn't care if I was only being used for they three minutes of pleasure. I'm still numb when I go on rape scenes.
I don't hug to often. I actually find human contact very uncomfortable.
A friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver, a LODD. At her funeral, another female collapsed in my arms and sobbed. I carried her, stone faced, coffin-side and let her husband carry her the rest of the way.
I see death as our time to leave.
I am also terrified of it.
I keeps thinking. Is this it? One go around? Is it all black after, the only one holding vigil for us is our children or friends.
I do want to try everything, but I spend most of my time in bed.
I have been emotionally beaten. There is not one ounce left to fight for.
Dad was military. So I don't really remember much of him growing up. The occasional family outing, but nothing much outside of that. My mother did the best she could. She stayed home with us until I was four. I remember being over the neighbor's house a lot.
My family didn't cuddle. No cuddling, no outwardly signs of affection. I was was taught affection was a weakness. Empathy is what makes a person.
Must like what is happening with Penn State, the truth ALWAYS COMES OUT.
When I was nine years old, I told my dad the horrors I endured in his absence. Why I was running away from my "aunt," and the beating we took "if we looked at her the wrong way." he was enraged and it was the first time I had ever seen my father mad. He confronted EVERYONE involved. I told my mother about the inappropriate touching from my "aunt's" friends. She was in disbelief.
They both decided to make us latch-key kids at the ages of 7 & 10 years old. Yes, she told all the neighbors we were home, and to keep an eye for us.
Believe me, little old ladies are brutal when tattling on you.
I have blocked out most of my childhood. I ask questions about my past very sparingly. Afraid I might uncover what my brain is so admittedly trying to shield me from.
I was a rape victim not once, but three times. I was so numb. I didn't care if I was only being used for they three minutes of pleasure. I'm still numb when I go on rape scenes.
I don't hug to often. I actually find human contact very uncomfortable.
A friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver, a LODD. At her funeral, another female collapsed in my arms and sobbed. I carried her, stone faced, coffin-side and let her husband carry her the rest of the way.
I see death as our time to leave.
I am also terrified of it.
I keeps thinking. Is this it? One go around? Is it all black after, the only one holding vigil for us is our children or friends.
I do want to try everything, but I spend most of my time in bed.
I have been emotionally beaten. There is not one ounce left to fight for.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Thanks, but I'm gonna skip Xmas this year.
I feel like such a failure.
I won't have anything for my kids for Xmas this year. We have been really struggling lately.
My best friend just asked me if I need help shopping. I tried to tell her politely no thank you, but she just kept pressing the issue. I mean, just today, we had to get an emergency drop of oil. Now by the time we pay the mortgage, the electric we will have nothing left for Xmas.
Yes, we don't HAVE to participate in Xmas, but my mother made sure we had everything. With the tumors reappearing and my husband having and appendicitis, we have really screw ourselves.
How do you tell you child, "I'm sorry we just couldn't do it this year?" I was able to get them some clothes.
If you don't know by now. I'm an EMT and firefighter. I took a year of service to help my fellow man. Just because the job market is not there.
Lately, I have had to console loved ones who lost family member, so before their time. But what is eating at me is I feel I'm drowning. I just can't kick hard enough to keep myself afloat.
There are other problems and I'm just eating everything in sight to try and quell this nervous hopelessness.
I'm 193.
I hate myself.
I won't have anything for my kids for Xmas this year. We have been really struggling lately.
My best friend just asked me if I need help shopping. I tried to tell her politely no thank you, but she just kept pressing the issue. I mean, just today, we had to get an emergency drop of oil. Now by the time we pay the mortgage, the electric we will have nothing left for Xmas.
Yes, we don't HAVE to participate in Xmas, but my mother made sure we had everything. With the tumors reappearing and my husband having and appendicitis, we have really screw ourselves.
How do you tell you child, "I'm sorry we just couldn't do it this year?" I was able to get them some clothes.
If you don't know by now. I'm an EMT and firefighter. I took a year of service to help my fellow man. Just because the job market is not there.
Lately, I have had to console loved ones who lost family member, so before their time. But what is eating at me is I feel I'm drowning. I just can't kick hard enough to keep myself afloat.
There are other problems and I'm just eating everything in sight to try and quell this nervous hopelessness.
I'm 193.
I hate myself.
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