If you only knew

Well, some of you may have know me Pre 1998.

In 1998, my life changed dramatically. This was the year the love of my life moved on without me.

Michael was killed in a stupid avoidable accident fueled by alcohol and impulsivity.

Who am I kidding?

My life was a train wreck before then.

I was trying to remain sober with an out of control partner. I had my son to worry about. I actually felt as If I had two children.

I would bath Michael when he was too drunk to realize he had spilled food, and such all over himself. There was a couple of nights I got the call from friends to come and get Michael.

Then there were the nights he would disappear and not show up for days. All I wanted was to love him. I loved him above all else.

Here this man had a faithful woman, and he would disappear and lie to me as to where he was all night. Most of the times I knew he was with the guys. But other times, I would find out later, he would have spent that night in the arm of another woman.

Since May 24th, 1998, I have been on a slippery slope of decline. I started drinking again. Only to realize I was destroying the only family I had left. I sobered back up when I turned 28.

This is one of the reasons I flipped out on the doctor that suggested I was a drug addict. I have worked so hard to remain sober. I have to keep what tattered remains of my family together. When it seems like I'm slipping again, I scramble to piece everything back together. Even if there is nothing wrong with my actions. I will scrutinize every aspect if a situation to make sure I won't slip again.

With this new year, I plan on trying to get back to the old me. I want the healthy person back. A person I once knew. I'm not asking to be a size zero, but I want to try clothes on in a fitting room without tears. I will attend altanon meeting to process how much my life has attracted toxic relationship. My husband is a grown man. It is time to let him grow up. I will not coddle him anymore. I have promised myself to take time for myself. Let people into my life without worry.

I have started to clean and fix the house. I have joined the YMCA, and I WILL use it. I am reaching out and taking down walls.

Everything adventure starts with a single step. Here I go. Starting over at 35.

- Christian