When I thought it couldn't get any worst

I had the scariest thing happened today.

I fell asleep in the car. I was in the fetal position.

When I got up, I felt dizzy.

Entering elevator I was fine, slight pins and needles.

By the time I got to the second floor, I had no feelings in my leg below the knees. I

was so scared. I had no idea what was going on. I had this overwhelming fear of falling.

With a derby gal, there is no fear of falling.

I went into my PT appointment, and I went through all kinds of tests to see what it could have happened.

They are figuring it was a pinched nerve in my spine.

My legs still feel like they have lotion on them. Heavier feeling on my right side then my left.

All this after I was told by my pain management doctor, that all we are doing now is treating symptoms.

I was told I would never get better. There is no magic pill to cure me, no surgery to heal me. This may even be the best I would ever get.

I still refuse it accept that. I will get better or die trying.


- Christian

Fail

Okay. I swear now that I will start my exercise routine tomorrow. I mean, I am going to physical therapy tomorrow, and I'll be able to get stuff done. Today I all I did was go to class. I cleaned a little, but nothing to raise my heart rate. I'm so just pissed at myself. I need to get on track, on the ball, and get everything done.


- Christian

One of those days.

Did you ever have one of those days were everything right?

This this morning, I woke up late. I couldn't find my calculator. When I finally started to drive, there was a commercial on the radio about sports injuries.

Which I when I change the station creep was on by Radiohead . It has as a verse which states:

I don't care that hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. That right there is exactly what I want to achieve . Tired the pain. I was sleeping in all the time. I want to have my life back. Tired of all this.

As I drive down class, I have no idea how this blog is going to turn out.

It's just me ranting in a car car. Amused people looking at me as I jab dictation button many many times.

As soon as I get him. I'll be checking out the Penn medicine website. See if I can be a candidate. This hopefully this will work and I'll be able to return to my daily life.


- Christian

Location:Esch St,Townsend,United States

Switch gears.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I was just diagnosed with Diveritculosis and stress related illnesses.

Today's the last day of rest. This my final Sunday to sit around the house and do nothing.

Tomorrow starts a whole new workout regime. Well, until I start working again.

I can't wait until I start seeing results of this aging body. To force making it do what I want right now.

I'm used to being the athlete.

Someone I can do anything, and everything in the blink of an eye.

I can barely get up and walk without pain.

Pain.

Pain has encompassed every aspect of my life.

I get winded making the bed. Walking upstairs is a challenge. I'm tired of the bed rest. It is making me weak.

Tomorrow I start swimming laps. Swimming laps is a low impact exercise. I'm able to do by myself.

I need to get strong so I can pass my paramedic physical.

I'm hoping to return, very soon, to my volunteer fire company.

I just need out of this house.

The only other thing that is requiring time of me is school.

I can work with that.


- Christian

1.28.11

Todays weight 178.2.
Lower body cross-trainer for 2.34 mile in 30 minutes.
hip add/abduction machine and abdominal machine.

I felt a wonderful high. Now only was the baby happy to play with all his friend in child care. I was tired and my legs felt fabulous. I have actually had a bowel movement with colic or other help. I can't believe why's difference a little exercise made in a gloomy snow day.


- Christian

If you only knew

Well, some of you may have know me Pre 1998.

In 1998, my life changed dramatically. This was the year the love of my life moved on without me.

Michael was killed in a stupid avoidable accident fueled by alcohol and impulsivity.

Who am I kidding?

My life was a train wreck before then.

I was trying to remain sober with an out of control partner. I had my son to worry about. I actually felt as If I had two children.

I would bath Michael when he was too drunk to realize he had spilled food, and such all over himself. There was a couple of nights I got the call from friends to come and get Michael.

Then there were the nights he would disappear and not show up for days. All I wanted was to love him. I loved him above all else.

Here this man had a faithful woman, and he would disappear and lie to me as to where he was all night. Most of the times I knew he was with the guys. But other times, I would find out later, he would have spent that night in the arm of another woman.

Since May 24th, 1998, I have been on a slippery slope of decline. I started drinking again. Only to realize I was destroying the only family I had left. I sobered back up when I turned 28.

This is one of the reasons I flipped out on the doctor that suggested I was a drug addict. I have worked so hard to remain sober. I have to keep what tattered remains of my family together. When it seems like I'm slipping again, I scramble to piece everything back together. Even if there is nothing wrong with my actions. I will scrutinize every aspect if a situation to make sure I won't slip again.

With this new year, I plan on trying to get back to the old me. I want the healthy person back. A person I once knew. I'm not asking to be a size zero, but I want to try clothes on in a fitting room without tears. I will attend altanon meeting to process how much my life has attracted toxic relationship. My husband is a grown man. It is time to let him grow up. I will not coddle him anymore. I have promised myself to take time for myself. Let people into my life without worry.

I have started to clean and fix the house. I have joined the YMCA, and I WILL use it. I am reaching out and taking down walls.

Everything adventure starts with a single step. Here I go. Starting over at 35.

- Christian

Docs appointment

Ok. I finally broke down and saw the doc again. After the last CAT scan came back clear I dent see why I need to make a follow up. But I kept feeling crapper each day. Last practice, I had tingling in my hands and I has so much mucus building up it was hard to catch a breath. Did I mention I was a geyser of clear mucus. I would be talking, and it would suddenly revolt.

Last night it happened.

What every infection I had let loose. My sinuses released what I called skin like puss pockets. And they have been releasing all day.

The doc thinks I may have hernia. Or an upper respiratory infection or an upper bowel infection.

He's also again told me to lower my stress levels.

Blood and X-rays are in the near future. Great. Lovely.

- Christian