I hate myself

Be for you get all mad at me, hear me out.

I have been fifty pound Overweight for a decade now. Being this heavy has effected the way I act towards other and how I feel about myself.

I'm tired of feeling this way. I will be starting my sparks people diet again because it actually worked.

I am stressed out about my house, my job and my health.

My house with be fixed.

I'm hoping on the results of my CT tomorrow. If it's positive, I will be making a ton of doctors appointments tomorrow.

My job maybe a tough one. I maybe losing that one. Because my job is run by a man with no EMS experience, and a short fuse.

I can't get anyone to speak to me. I swear if I find out they suspended me without reason I'm going to the industrial board.

Having this tumor is bad enough. I don't need stress from a man who just last we told us; "To take them to hospital that is your job. You are not paid to think."

Seriously an EMERGENCY transport with an hour wait. Tell them to call 911.

I did what I was trained to do. I am not a doctor. I cannot diagnose anything. I treated her the best I could. If you would have let me explain we would have come to this.

- Christian

Location:E Cochran St,Middletown,United States

So sorry

I just realized I have not updated this thing in a couple of days.

So sorry.

Not much has changed. I'm still in the dark as to how big the tumor is. Damn holiday. I couldn't even enjoy it. I'm going through songs I want for my funeral and what I want my tombstone to read.

I am not afraid of dying. Not at all. I've made my peace. What I worry able is my husband and my children. Since I have gotten sick, my house is a total pig pen. When I first bought this house in 2008 you could eat off the floor. Now I can't do laundry without taking several breaks.

Anyone that follows me. Have you ever wondered why most of my pictures are from my bed with the big pile of laundry?

My husband is starting to be more independent. He's been making dinner and doing laundry. I'm just hoping I can get a wind of energy ti vacuum. This poor house needs it.

Sal works nights this weekend. I actually miss him when he is at work.

My nails shop is open tomorrow and the owner (a good friend of mine) has invited me in for services.

See this brilliant woman named Julie, @kneatfreak on twitter, has all these really great ideas and she started this #peditweetup thing.

I suggested Tony's shop because 1) I know he is uberclean, 2) he's reasonable on prices, and 3) he a small business that was feeling the pinch of the recession.

His pedicures are given in massage chair. They wash, pumice, trim and massage your feet, ankles and calves. Then they lotion and use this "magic fingers" massager to circulate the blood. They top is all off with hot towels. Spa like treatment. Just lately all my money has been going to co pays.

I go and sit at the shop a couple of time when Sal is not home, and I'm having trouble breathing.

I don't want to burden my children by scaring the crap out of them if I start to turn blue.

I'm starting to realize how many great people I have in my life. Tony since moving from Newark to Middletown has excepted me like family. I go to holiday parties with him and his family. He is an awesome man.

I just don't hope I fall asleep on him again. I wanna enjoy my pampering.
- Christian

Location:E Cochran St,Middletown,United States

Da da da da da da catscan

Yup. I got an injection that made me all tingly. Nope. It wasn't heroin. I got a contrast dye injection before my cat scan.

After it was all said and done the techs demeanor changed from happy to comforting. She couldn't tell me the size or what it looked like. I guess it's a waiting game now.

- Christian

Location:E Cochran St,Middletown,United States

In a place called vertigo

I thought today was going to be boring. I was wrong. I woke up with a wicked case of vertigo.

I jumped out of bed to the Boils the Orange and the Black at 6:00 am. I immediately felt I was on a roller-coaster run. My head felt like it was spinning. I fell to the ground.

I landed in my poor 100 lb puppy. He didn't seem to mind, he was more worried about me.

I crawled to the bathroom and immediately made friend with the porcelain pot. I emptied the contents of the night before.

My friend Bloo was at my side the entire time licking my face.

I'm sure an adventure of the wonkey toe is in order.

I would like to think he was showing how worried he was for me, but I'm sure he was licking to get some of yummy off my face I was emptying in the pot.

I called out of work. Who would want to have an employee who is on their own personal roller-coaster to drive their vehicle.

I have been in pain all day. Why can't I just cut a break.


- Christian

Location:E Main St,Middletown,United States

Checkin out for a bit.....

I know it's not fair that I have "checked out" for a bit. I hate leaving without explanation. A lot has happened to me in the past few months. It started out with a torn knee. Now I have not been to an actual doctors in 5 years.

Yes, I tore my knee in october 2008, but I just got X-rays and they gave me injections and PT.

My last Physical with blood work was in 2000, when I was Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. There have been other stints in the ER for various thing and quick doctors visits, but nothing a tylenol and a shot couldn't cure.

In April when I tore my knee again, I became I little more aware of me feeling "sick." I started to see a group of doctor to try to get me back to my "old" self.

First, I thought I was depressed. I wasn't healing as fast as I normally did. I began not to care anymore what happened to the people in my life and the things I cared for. It's wasn't depression. I was more frustrated, then depressed.

Next I saw my PCP, I suggested to do the Lupus blood work again this time I got 7 or the 11 markers. I never followed up with it. so I don't know if I am actually diagnosed with Lupus or not.

Then I started to black out and lose time. I got more blood work done. Turns out I'm pre-diabetic with hypoglycemic trend.

Then just as I was starting to feel better. My van was struck by a drunk driver one block from my house. It the accident wasn't bad enough, the driver tried to hit me with his car while fleeing the scene. I re-injuried myself from my neck to my knees. I got an MRI and it showed I have stenosis of the spine with the beginnings of cord compression. I have 3 bulging disks. I was back in PT again in June. I worked really hard at rehabbing myself. I want so badly to go back to derby. But I was always tired. I got some good news the stenosis wasn't as bad as they thought. My cholesterol was high, but my A1C came back as a 6.5%.

I started to go back to my old ways easing into school and work, but I was so tired and the pain kept getting worst. I started to see a pain management doc. He stuck me on all kinds of pain meds. I continued on but the combination of pain medications and the fatigue got the best of me and I dropped out of college in September with the plan to return in the Spring. I started working Prime time at my job and every night I got home I was wiped out. I couldn't move and I was having sever abdominal pains.

I found a paper about a week ago that stated on 9/7/09 a mass was found between my thymus and my lung. this mass measured at time 24 mm and it was unusual for a person of my age to have it. It also said I have Pleural Effusions and Atelectsis of my lungs.. basically I have fluid in my lungs and they are not fully expanding.

See, I wondered why I couldn't do pace line.

I just had my kidney functions test and the CAT scan is Monday, then its a waiting game. This Important piece of paper was stuffed in an old book bag of mine where I kept my knitting. If I wouldn't have picked my knitting back up I don't know how much longer I would have taken to see a doctor. It might have been too late. You can call me a liar and such. I don't care anymore. I'm too sick to be petty a play games. Just remember My door is always open for my friends. I will try my damnest to make it to every event, but I disappear its not because I want to or a flaked out. Text me. I maybe over sleeping on my pain meds or a doctor visit has run over, but mostly it may be that I totally WIPED out. I could use your support.



LO

VE




Christian



“No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.” George Bernard Shaw

Pay it Forward

We will be having many fundraising nights coming up in Middletown for the Pyle family. If you want to drop donations of food and household goods, you can put them on my porch at 9 east Cochran street until we get a donation site set up. I'll make sure they get them.

My twitter friend and everyone who reads this please support these nights. You know I will be posting them all over the place.


Rick is a firefighter. Debbie cared for her sick mother. The teen girls have lost everything. Please help me in supporting this family.

Breaking the news

I was walking through the bay at my transportation job on Friday. My partner called out and I was waiting for someone to be called in.

One of the girls was laughing. She looked straight at me and asked why I was wear my beanie. I showed her the pink hair. She was like it looks great, But why pink? She said it wasn't too bright and it was only noticeable in certain lights.

Then she dropped a bomb.

She said, "You really look like a chemo patient there. "

The whole room stopped talking.

She was like, what did I say?

Nobody had told her why I had to call off the better part of my week.

So jokingly, I said I would be one soon enough.

She then said that wasn't funny. Then my face went serious. Now really I have a mass on my lung. I don't know if it was benign or malignant. I don't know the size. Or if it's matastized.

She continues to say it's not funny, but there is a panic urgency in her voice.

She is waiting for me to say I'm just kidding. But I'm not.

Then I say just pray for benign. She broke down into tears. She was mad. Really mad. She was saying how I have the baby and I didn't smoke, and how could life be this cruel. I told her not to think about it too much. Until they say it's malignant or metastasize is when to worry.

She asked about my reactions when I first found out, and yes cried my eyes out. In an ambulance, on shift in the home depot parking lot across from Christiana hospital. My partner just looked at me and said,"I'm sorry." and went back to reading his book.

Why do people say sorry? They didn't do it. Everyone don't say you are sorry when you see me. Express your feelings to me. I can take it. Plus, it is nice to know you are scared or anxious for me. I know I'm not alone with my feelings.

If this all goes to shit. Please watch after my family. We never ask for help when we truly need it. It's just better to invite yourself in and help out. We just have too much pride to admit we need help.

Public vs private

Wow. I tried to make an appoint for the CT. Because I have private insurance, I need a preauthorization. Or else I needed to be scheduled three days out. I was told by the scheduler at if I had Medicare or Medicaid I could walk in or have my appoint tomorrow.

How fair is that? I work hard. I am not a burden on society. So I have to wait.

Really?

What has this world come to?

Well, I finally got my appointment. Monday at 9 am at the Sleepy Hallow center. My doctor stood up for me and got me in before the holiday.

I'm thankful for my family, and hopefully my health.

Blood test in the am. So I can get the results just in time for the scan.

So it begins......

- Christian

11-18-10 the follow up

Ok. I write down 10:30 for my appointment time.

I was wrong. Lea came out and met me in the parking lot. She told me my appointment had been at 10 am.

Damn.

I had been doing so much better with my calendars. The baby had fired my phone, and then my teen fired it a second time after I got the replacement phone.

Two days without a phone.

I tried to make it this very special appointment.

When I tried to explain the Lea why this appointment was so important, she just kept talking over me.

All she wanted to hear from me was when I wanted to reschedule my appointment.

I was crying. I had forgotten those four pages at home.

As I was walking out, I saw the doctor.

Lea made sure to tell Dr Sharbaugh I had reschedule my appointment.

I lost it then.

I said nevermind I don't need the appointment and just cancel it. I left and slammed the door behind me.

I stopped and got Chase something to eat and ran a couple of errands. Then I got the bright idea to go get the papers and walk into doc's office.

I went home to find the dogs had trash the place. I grabbed the papers, and cleaned up a few things.

I drove like I was in a mission. I was exhausted. The baby was cranky. He wanted so bad to sleep, but for some reason he just couldn't find the peace of mind.

I got to the doctor's office during his lunch hour.

I walked in the side door. The receptionist was not at her desk. So I slipped into the doctor's office. I unfolded my pages and slipped them in front of him. He was looking down and didn't see me even come in.

I said, "this is why it's so important that I had to see you."

He pause and read the paper.

He out his hand over his mouth. He said a few thing just didn't make sense.

He told me it didn't fully mean I had cancer that a biopsy was in order. He gave me a script for CT and sent me over to the Helen Gramham Cancer Center. He kept saying over and over this doesn't mean it's cancer.


I went to the info desk and asked for the thoracic surgeons.

Second floor. Suite 2100.




I have say I was inspired here. I found some beautiful things in my wanderings in this building.

We found the surgeons. Now the journey begins......

- Christian

C is for cancer

I want to make sure that I get this right. I want to leave something behind for everyone I knew and loved.

On November 11, I found a letter saying I had a 24 mm mass on my thymus.

November 11th is significant because it's my aunt's birthday that past away from leukemia five years ago.

This paper had been stuffed away in an envelope for over a year and boom I find it on the fifth anniversary after my aunts passing.



Ok.

Let's go back a year.

On September 7th 2009, I had just been released from Kent general hospital. I had just given birth to my son, Chase.

We rushed up to Manor Care, on Foulk road in Wilmington, to let my father in law meet his grandson.

My father in law actively dying from end stage cancer. He had caught the cancer late in life, and is had metastasized throughout his body. There was no point of origin for his cancer.

I chose not to have the newborn baby go into nursing home. His immune system was already low from the tempestuous pregnancy, He also had jaundice three days after birth. I stayed by the car while my husband took my father in law back to his room.

My husband was scattered-brained, and locked the car. So I waited by the car.

The next thing I knew, I had a wave of pain wash over me. It was hard to breath. I tried to sit on the curb, but I was suddenly dizzy and fell. I landed on my back. Clutching my newborn and crying. I realized I couldn't make a sound.

It seemed like forever before my husband came out and saw me. I don't know what was worst the pain in my chest or the extreme cold of the wet grass.

Sal was in slow motion, as I was screaming and crying without making a sound. He scooped the baby up, and I blacked out.

I woke up in the emergency fast track.

They put the leads on me.

They all stared at the machine.

Then after a couple of minutes the young doctor pulled the leads, and said well that's not it.

While I was out, they had given me an IV. They must have done blood cultures because they put me in a room to observe me on the cardiac monitor.

I was breathing erratically. My respiration rate was 34. They decided to do a CAT scan of my chest to try to get answers. In order to make sure that I laid still they doctors gave me dalaudin and xanax cocktail. I was out again.

Next time, I woke up it was four am. The hospital had briefed Sal on following up with my PCP, and it was of great importance that I do so.

I didn't have any other symptoms. So I figured it was the stress of the baby and all. Plus, I never got any paperwork to give to my doctor for the followup.

Back to 11/11.

I was cleaning out my book bag that I hadn't used in just out at year. I don't remember ever seeing that stack of papers in there before. I have been lugging that book bag around for the last couple of months; because, I was looking for time to start my knitting back up.

I was on shift at my job at Transcare.

We had stopped in a parking lot to stage for the next run.

I had just finished knitting a hat. I had nothing else to occupy my time so I picked through my bag.

What was this? Four pages?folded in half twice? I opened it and read it. I wanted to throw up.

I cried.

My partner said he was sorry.

For what. I'm still not sure.

I called my PCP for that follow up.

Ummmm yeah diet

Today's weight 177.8. Todays breakfast. Five oreo cookies. That is all.